WHEN IT ISN'T LOVE ~ Precious Victor Akah

A lot of people find it extremely difficult to move on after a break up. Some then resort to begging, manipulations, or threats to get back their partner, because, many of such persons believe it's impossible for them to find someone better than their partner, they believe he or she is the only person in the whole world that can love them the way they want to be loved, and when efforts to get back their partner is not met with success, some slide into depression accompanied with suicidal thoughts, while some straight away end their life. 

Hmmmm! This is sad and abysmal.

I'll tell you a personal story.

One of the reasons I tried so much after being born again (at age 20) to get the young man I was in a relationship with then saved - so we could marry - was because, I couldn't believe I'll find or that there will ever be anyone that will love me like he did. I had thought what we had was love until I met my husband; then I came to know and understand what love really is. If you ask anyone who has left a lover after being saved/born again, they'll tell you it was difficult for them, but it was one of the best decisions they ever made. 

Now that you're saved/born again, you need to completely trust God and wait on Him to connect you to the right partner for your assignment on earth (whether as a young man or woman).

Please kindly note: This blog post is addressed to those who are not yet married, so they are careful to know and identify LOVE and choose LOVE over lust, infatuation and even hate.

Now, into the subject of discussion: how to know when one is in a relationship or about to enter a relationship where love is non-existent.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, peace will be lacking. If you lack peace in your present relationship or the relationship you're about to enter, it is a proof that love is non-existent. Peace is a gift from God to His children as a sign and an assurance that all is well. So when all is not well, peace will be absent. God is love, and if you're in a relationship where your partner does not love you or where you both do not share genuine love, you'll lack peace (especially if you're a child of GOD).

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, one of the parties becomes a prey that is constantly exploited. Are you in a relationship where you're so fearful and lack freedom of speech and expression? Where you're afraid of your partner that you do everything he or she says or demands without asking questions, because you don't want to offend them, or you're simply afraid of what they can do to you when angry? A relationship where you give your body to your partner whenever they ask for it as though they've become your legally married spouse and you can't say no? If yes, then you're not in a relationship where love exists.

• When it isn't love, there will be prolonged delay in getting married. A man or woman who does not love you will never include you in their future plans or vision. They'll always not want to talk about getting married, neither does the idea of getting married to you excite them. They'll keep postponing the marriage as they continue to enjoy the benefits of being married from you. They won't have a problem asking you to move in with them and cohabit. They will always give excuses as to why they don't want to marry yet. Love is absent in such relationship.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, the relationship would be hidden and kept secret from key persons in the lives of the parties involved. When a man or woman is in a relationship for other reasons aside love, they will sometimes want to keep the relationship secret and hidden from the actual person they love, or keep it secret in the hopes of finding true love. So if you find yourself in a relationship where the man or woman demands that you keep the relationship secret for funny and senseless reasons, you should know that you're not loved. 

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, violence will be present. If you're in a relationship or about to enter a relationship where your partner is violent and beats or hits you at will when angry, no matter how you want to make excuses for him or her, you're not in a relationship where love is present. Love and violence cannot cohabit. Love corrects with gentleness and patience. Love responds calmly and controls its temper because it has self-control. There is no justification for physical violence in a relationship. LEAVE TO LIVE.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, the relationship becomes parasitic. Are you in a relationship where you're the only one giving, sacrificing your time, money, resources, energy? Where you're the only one who provides all the assistance and support, and your partner does absolutely nothing to help when you're in need? That is a loveless relationship. LOVE GIVES. LOVE IS KIND AND GENEROUS.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, the unloved party does all the work to hold the relationship together and keep it from breaking apart. A relationship where mutual love does not exist, one person will be the one doing everything to make the relationship work and lead to marriage. Are you in such kind of relationship? That's a major red flag. When your partner keeps threatening to leave the relationship over every little misunderstanding and you have to keep begging and pleading with them to stay, that love is not mutual. When you're the only one always initiating the conversation and making all the phone calls and sending text messages, while your partner does nothing of such, you're not with a partner that really loves you. 

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, abuse is prevalent. When your partner is constantly abusing you verbally and/or cheating on you without remorse, you're in a loveless relationship. You don't keep calling someone you love "Foolish, stupid, or an idiot". You don't use derogatory and contemptuous words on who you love, neither do you confess to love someone and keep hurting them by sleeping around with other persons. THAT IS CLEARLY NOT LOVE.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, selfishness plays out and the unloved party is taken advantage of. The man asking you to get pregnant before he can marry you does not love you. The lady demanding for premarital sex to know your sexual performance before marriage does not love you. The man asking you to move in with him so he can get to know you better by living together with him does not love you. The man asking you to go and stay with his mum for some weeks so she can tell if you can cook or not, and if you'll be a good wife for him clearly possess no love for you. LOVE knows what it wants and goes for it. LOVE does not rejoice in evil, neither does it promote unrighteousness.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, evil and immorality will be prevalent. Are you in a relationship where your partner makes you sin against God, and constantly keeps exposing you to danger and involving you in all kinds of immoral and vicious acts? You're in a loveless relationship. The man or woman teaching you to smoke, drink, club, party and do illegal things for money does not love you.

• When love is non-existent in a relationship, one of the parties becomes the "financier" of the relationship. When a lazy man encourages you to prostitute your body so you both will have money to feed, clothe, open a business, and/or marry, know that you're being deceived. When a woman encourages you to cheat and defraud your company so you can get money to pay her bride price and marry her, know that she does not love you. If you eventually marry her, she'll make you do all kinds of terrible things to get money, and in the end, you may lose your life or end up in prison while she remarries.

Finally, when it isn't love, God will not be in the relationship, neither will the relationship be centered around Him. Why? God is love. Wherever there is love, you'll find God. Where love is absent, God will be absent. When you're not experiencing God's blessings in your relationship, but woes, troubles and calamities upon calamities in your relationship, God isn't there. 

If you find yourself in any of these relationships mentioned above, love yourself enough to leave, otherwise, it'll escalate in marriage. And if you think divorce is a safe escape route, you had better study the lives of many divorcees and those who remarried. Learn from the experience of others and avoid experiencing the pain they experienced or are presently experiencing, that is wisdom. 

Getting it right in marriage is one of the best decisions you'll ever make in life, so I counsel you to take this matter seriously. Countless number of persons have lost their lives to a bad partner, some have lost all they worked for and achieved in their single years to a bad marriage, this won't be your experience; therefore, empower yourself with the right knowledge. 

Below are salient points made on this subject by some distinguished women (wives) I am privileged to have around me. Kindly read and be enlightened.

To an extent, we've been involved in a relationship where there's no love, but because of the fantasies and butterflies, we think we've found love . It isn't love when efforts to keep the relationship going is one-sided and the significant other is non -appreciative of your efforts in the relationship. They're never satisfied with what you do for them. 

It isn't love if you are not free to express yourself or how you feel, because love is expressive and not suppressive nor depressive. 

As you go through the journey of love, know that its destination is for the betterment of both parties involved, not just one party.

~ Queen Esther Okoye

Love can be said to be an intense show of affection. Hence when love exists, it shows in our actions, the way we talk. It takes control of everything we do. It is said that love can make you walk miles barefoot in the rain just to see the person you can't stop thinking about. 

So, talking about how to know if one is in a relationship or about to enter a relationship where love is non-existent, you have to look out for these signs;

* Lack of communication.

* Lack of trust

* Always busy (not always there for you)

* When you are not a priority in their life

* When he/she doesn't see you in their future.

* Always compelling you to other people.

* When he/she complains of every little thing the other party does. etc.

One thing is for sure, love doesn't hide. Love can't be forced. When it isn't present, it tends to show in the person's actions, behavior towards his/her partner. Just pay attention to your partners actions and behaviours towards you, to know whether love exists or not.

~ Neboh Chisom Faith

There are several definitions of LOVE, but in this matter I’ll like to go with the one from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."

For one to really know if there is love or no love in their relationship or intending relationship it is a search one should make within himself or herself. If one has no love in them it will be difficult, if not impossible, to receive the same; for it is in giving that we receive, and you can't give what you don't have. 

Find out if your partner or intending spouse knows God on a personal level, and has the fear of God in them enough to compel them to love you; not only to reciprocate your love towards them, but also to love you even when you're not lovable.

~ Alinnor Francisca Oguamanam

When “LOVE” is nonexistent in a relationship or a potential relationship, there are clear signs when guided by the Word of God. Let’s start in the Bible for what “LOVE” is and is not. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!” 

If one’s partner or both man and woman display patience, kindness, not holding grudges/forgiveness, rejoices in truth, always hopeful and endure in everything, that shows true agape (unconditional) love. This type of love is only possible when filled with the Holy Spirit. The natural way of thinking and understanding will fight to live in this way; please refer to Galatians 5:17. It truly takes the power of God to live a life of agape love. This shows discipline and poised character. A person/people with these attributes may or may not have been perfected in them but the effort is noticeable. When this person(s) is shown grace in times of weakness, they will mature more in love. For when we are forgiven of much, we love much; Please read Luke 7:47. 

When one’s partner is displaying a consistent flow of fleshly jealousy, being boastful, prideful, rude, rejoicing about injustice, demanding their own way/controlling, & grudge-holding, it shows that love doesn’t & will not thrive in that relationship. Acts of the flesh like sexual immorality, sex before marriage, deceitfulness, lustful pleasures, drunkenness, & more sins reveal the morals of a person are sinful, not love; Please read Galatians 5:19-21. 

God is Love and love casts out all fear. No one is God, however, a partner or potential partner would also exhibit near attributes such as these; they will love, they will give of themselves in marriage, they will want to spend their life married to their spouse, they will do things that serve and try their best to be there for each other especially in the time of need, at almost any cost. Love is sacrificial. This is why it is imperative to choose correctly in relationships. Two can only walk together when they agree. If there is no agreement and only argument, love will not thrive in the relationship. Going by the blueprint of the Word of God, which is Love in itself, visibly shows that LOVE never fails! 

~ Brittney Oputa 

We hope you've been blessed by this post. We pray that God gives you the grace, boldness and strength to walk away from a loveless relationship, in Jesus' Name, Amen.

We will be glad to read from you. You can leave your comments and questions in the comments section below or reach out to us via email @ preciouscphilip@gmail.com or on Facebook @ Precious Victor Akah

God bless you.