COITUS IN A RELATIONSHIP (Part II) ~ Precious Victor Akah

Last week we studied the effects of pre-marital sex in a relationship. Today, we'll be canvassing the possible effects/consequences of pre-marital sex in a marriage relationship; simply put, how having sex before marriage can impact your marriage relationship (relationship with who you eventually get married to).

Without mincing words, let's get right into it. 

POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES IN MARRIAGE 

- UNDUE COMPARISON: Comparing your husband's or wife's sexual performance with your ex, and you might not be pleased with the result you get. This is something that most people who were sexually active before marriage are always tempted to do when they're married. And so, many of them are not happy.

- SEXUAL DISSATISFACTION: This happens when a wife or a husband (who is sexually active before marriage) cannot derive satisfaction from mating with their spouse because they are already accustomed to a certain style/position that their spouse cannot do or is unwilling to do. 

- HIGH CHANCE OF INFIDELITY: When two lovers are having sex before marriage, they're not building self-control, thus, because they both do not have self-control and have not honored the sacredness of marriage, one of them is likely going to cheat on the other in the long run, or both could become guilty of infidelity when storms that attacks marriages hit their marriage.

- ISSUE WITH TRUST: You may have issues trusting your husband/wife or your husband/wife trusting you if you married someone you were sexually involved with before marriage. You may feel the need to monitor your spouse's every move, monitor their phone calls and conversations with the opposite sex. 

- LACK OF PEACE: You may lack peace and rest in marriage because you're always consumed with the thought that your spouse might be cheating on you or can cheat on you if you do not give them sex whenever they want it.

- MISS THE CHANCE OF BEING A ROLE MODEL: You can miss the chance of being a role model to young ones coming after you. Some young people are inquisitive and might ask questions about how you and your spouse managed your sexual life before marriage. You may not be proud to tell them you were sleeping together, and you do not want to lie to them either.

There are many more consequences, but the above-mentioned points is succinct enough for you to commit them to heart and memory, and quickly ruminate over them whenever you're presented with the offer of pre-marital sex, to make a sensible decision.

WORDS OF WISDOM TO THOSE IN A RELATIONSHIP LEADING TO MARRIAGE 

1. If you're having pre-marital sex together, you may likely deal with a cheating or unfaithful spouse in marriage.

2. If you're permitting pre-marital sex now in your relationship, you're unconsciously permitting and welcoming extra-marital sex in your future marriage without knowing.

3. If you make NORMAL pre-marital sex during courtship, extra-marital sex may not be considered ABNORMAL in your marriage relationship.

This is because pre-marital sex is sex with someone you're not married to and this is no different from extra-marital sex which is still sex with someone you're not married to.  

So, if you make your partner feel it is okay to have pre-marital sex and allow it while you're courting, you're unconsciously instilling the belief in them that it is okay to have sex with who you're not married to; this is why they may likely continue to have sex with someone they're not married to after marriage, with or without your knowledge, or cheaply fall for sexual temptations.

Beloved sis, if you're having sex with your fiance now, don't be surprised if after marriage he continues to have sex with another woman or other women. 

Because you're currently making him feel it is okay to have pre-marital sex (which is a sin), so he will be okay with extra-marital sex and not see it as a big deal. 

If he is comfortable having sex with you though you're not lawfully married, why do you expect him to become uncomfortable having sex with another woman he is not lawfully married to after the wedding? Because he is now married, you say? Guess what, the habit of having sex with who he is not married to (that you're helping him cultivate now) will walk into marriage with him. That habit doesn't suddenly leave just because a wedding happened. He won't exhibit self-control because he doesn't possess it - he never built it.

Therefore, to avoid dealing with a cheating spouse, one of the things you must do is never to accommodate or practice pre-marital sex during courtship.

If you nomalise, accomodate and practice pre-marital sex in your pre-marital relationship, be ready to accommodate extra-marital sex in your marital relationship. It may not happen immediately after your marriage, but it has the tendency to happen years into your marriage.

What a man sows, he'll harvest. If you sow pre-marital sex before marriage, you'll usually harvest extra-marital sex in marriage. Unless you both genuinely repent and embrace sexual purity now you're still courting.

A large percentage of married women who today lament about their husband being unfaithful to them, permitted and practiced pre-marital sex while in courtship. Today, they're dealing with an unfaithful husband.

God is wise. Submit to His laws and you'll have peace in your future marriage. 

LET ME ALSO ADD THIS...

If you're giving a man sex before marriage, it shows you love him more than God. 

If you're giving a woman sex before marriage, it shows you love her more than you love God, and this is idolatry. 

If you really love God more than him or her, you'll not displease God to please them. You'll not break God's heart to gladden their heart. You'll not flout God's desire to meet their desire. 

Jesus says in Luke 14:26, "You cannot be my disciple, unless you love me more than you love your father and mother, your wife and children, and your brothers and sisters. You cannot follow me unless you love me more than you love your own life." 

WORD TO SISTERS

1. Rebekah lived a sexually disciplined life. The Bible highlighted that she was a virgin, even though she had reached the age of marriage and was a very beautiful lady. Genesis 24:16 says "Rebekah was very beautiful and old enough to be married, but she was still a virgin." That you have advanced in age or that you're no more a virgin does not permit you to dance to the immoral requests of some ungodly men (who demand that you sleep with them before marriage or get pregnant before marriage or move in to their house to live with them) just to get married. Learn sexual discipline from Rebekah. Keep your moral standards and don't lower them for the sake of love or marriage. This makes you attractive and will eventually attract the right man to you.

2. WHOEVER is fornicating with you does not LOVE YOU according to God's definition of love. How do I know? The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that love is patient, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, and that love is not self-seeking.

So, whoever truly loves you would be patient to have sex with you only after marriage. He would delight in seeing you do what is right, not in doing what is evil such as fornication. Therefore, if a man delights in making you do evil, he obviously does not love you. 

What's more? Knowing the dangers of having pre-marital sex like unplanned pregnancy, a man who truly loves you will not encourage you to have pre-marital sex. He will only encourage you to do it when he is a selfish man - seeking only his own good. Such a man will quickly tell you to abort once pregnancy occurs. Flee from such men.

Moreover, sleeping with you means the man cannot control his sexual desire when he is around you, why then do you think he would suddenly be able to control his sexual desire when he is around some else? If he can be giving sex to you though you're not his spouse, what stops him from giving it to another who is not his spouse? Think about it.

3. This is to teenagers. Understand this truth that no guy within the age of 19 - 25 is really planning to settle down yet (those who marry within that age bracket are very few). So, many of them (from age 25 down) enter into a romantic relationship because their sexual passion is driving them, in simple term, they want to have sex. They're not looking for a lady to shower love and marry, but who to satisfy their sexual desires, even though they come to you under the guise of "I LOVE YOU". This is why they often demand for nudes, non-sexual fun (kissing, hugging, smooching), or the actual sex, and when they get you pregnant, they quickly deny the pregnancy, run away or ask you to abort. 

As a teen girl, yes you may sometimes feel like you want to be hugged, touched, or kissed by a man - just some guy to show you romantic love - but the reality is, no guy is willing to give that to you without involving sex because that is what he himself actually needs. Moreover, the moment you start engaging in non-sexual activities with a boy (kissing, smooching, fondling), sooner than later, you'll crave for sex and ask for it. "Do not stir up or arouse love until the time is right."Song of Solomon 8:4 says.

4. A man may sleep with you and still marry you, but that does not mean he loves you. It could mean that he enjoys sex with you and wants to keep you around for sexual satisfaction while giving his love, time, money, attention and affection to the woman he romantically loves outside.

And a man may sleep with you and still marry you, not because he loves you, but because he can't bear to have another man sleep with you as a jealous man. So he marries you and expects you to stay faithful to him, while he goes around sleeping with other women.

This is why you must not consider marriage or even a relationship with someone who is not born again and actually living a holy life.

AVOID UNSAVED MEN AND UNGODLY/CARNAL CHRISTIAN BROTHERS!

5. When a supposed godly man approach you and says he loves you and wants to have a relationship with you that will lead to marriage, tell him no problem, but be bold and tell him right on the spot that you both will enter into a written agreement not to have sex or engage in amorous acts until after marriage. 

If he declines and says he'll need to think about it, that should immediately tell you that he is not looking for a woman to marry yet, but for a sex partner (a woman to temporarily satisfy his sexual desires). 

If he accepts to have the agreement, that tells you that he COULD be looking for a wife, but wait, because it doesn't indicate that he genuinely loves you and his intention to marry you is 100% genuine, neither does it connote that he is a disciplined and a God-fearing man. 

Why? Some "smart" men can agree because they know they'll be sleeping with other ladies or patronizing prostitutes behind your back; some have masturbation & porn as an alternative (don't think porn & masturbation is not an issue - you'll understand it is when they neglect you & don't satisfy your sexual needs in marriage because they get satisfaction from porn and masturbation).

Therefore, what should you do if he accepts to have the written agreement of no sex till after marriage? PRESENT HIM TO YOUR FATHER. I say your Father because, I assume you already have a harmonious intimate relationship with God. Ask God to unveil his true intentions to you and to reveal who the guy really is to you. Also ask God if he is the right man for you. Be patient and wait for God's reply. If you're a child of God and God is your Father, your request will be granted, and you'll be able to choose the right man to marry.

It is after presenting Him to God and getting a feedback from God that you can go ahead to give him a YES to his marriage proposal or a NO, as God instructs you.

WORD TO BROTHERS 

Beloved brothers, you need to start now to build self-control and discipline yourself to possess your sexual passion if you want to be great in life. 

Uncontrolled sexual passion can truncate your glorious destiny. It can make you a father when you're not prepared, and give you plenty baby mamas with the heavy task of parenting. The moment you impregnate a girl, your glorious future is affected. When you deny the pregnancy and run away, you come under a terrible curse that will affect your progress in life. And when you finance an abortion, you become a murderer, and a man with blood-stained hands is a man with no peace, prosperity and progress in life. 

You must manage your sexual urge, otherwise, even as a married man, you'll be sleeping around. 

Many young men have become fathers too early, and this has affected their progress because they need to provide for the child and her mother. Some are living with guilt because of the innocent babies they killed through abortion. Some others are having terrible nightmares and dealing with spiritual wife because of sex with he wrong person.

Consider all these and possess your sex drive. Control your sexual passion. 

IN CONCLUSION 

DO NOT MARRY FOR SEX 

Before getting married, I heard a married person say, "When you get married, there are days you'll lie naked on the bed with your partner and nothing would happen." Because you both are completely "satiated" with sex. After getting married, I understood this statement better.

So, as an unmarried person, it would be extremely rash and unwise for you to rush into marriage or to be in a hurry to get married, just because you're eager to experience sex, or you want to enjoy sex in a lawful manner, especially as a young person. Why hurry to eat what you'll eat for the rest of your life and possibly get tired of? Why the impatience? The desire to avoid sexual sin is not even a reason to rush into marriage, what you need is the Holy Spirit's gift of self-control.

If you marry for the wrong reason you'll most likely marry the wrong person.

There are some young girls who rushed into marriage because of sex, but after marriage, they can't even have and enjoy the sex, because they married the wrong man who is busy frolicking around with unchaste girls and care less about them, or they're separated from their husband by distance. 

You don't want the (controllable) pressure or eagerness to have sex to drive you to marry wrong, because believe me, if you marry the wrong person, even sex (the very reason you hurried to marry) will become unpleasurable and undesirable to you. You can even loathe it.

So, there is absolutely no need for you to hurry to marry just because you want to be having sex anytime you want it. You'll have loads of sex in marriage. Calm down and wisely choose the right partner with careful regard for God's blueprint for choosing a life partner. 

When sex tickles your fancy and you're not married, tell sex to wait, you'll give it enough time after marriage.

Rushing into marriage to have sex is a crazy idea.

Shalom.

Check out the Part 1 of this post shared last week if you've not read it: COITUS IN A RELATIONSHIP